So, here’s the thing about corporate meetings. They can be informative, they can be really cumbersome, they can help change the world and make the country a better place, and they can be downright boring as hell.
All of the above are true, except one. Guess which one that is!
For a simple and straightforward person that I am, these meetings serve no sense. I go in, I sit there, I zone out, I come out, and the world is still the way it was before I wasted 30 minutes of my life. 30 minutes that could have been spent elsewhere.
A lot can happen in those 30 minutes. I can watch an episode of a TV sitcom. I can climb up and down 24 flights of steps six times (that’s right – it takes me 5 minutes one way to climb 24 flights of stairs), or better off I can just keep staring at the computer screen pretending to work. If only!
Coming back to those meetings, the worst part is not receiving the mail being invited to one. The part that sucks the most is sitting in one, nodding your head like a jackass, pretending you’re understanding everything that is being said.
For instance, the other day I was called in for a meeting that required me learn something important about a power point presentation that I would need to work by the end of the month. It was basically a run down meeting that would give me material for my PPT.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m totally up for these meetings. I was fully pumped up, I washed my face, went to the washroom, cleaned my glasses, and prepped myself up for the torturous 30 minutes that I was about to waste again. The only problem was that people in there talk in such ridiculous MBA jargons that sometimes (read always) things just bounce over me.
Not to offend the readers of this post who have gone through the pain and horror of doing an MBA (*Lol), but all MBA people talk in a sense that no able-minded person on this planet can understand. In fact, I’m not even sure whether these MBA people understand each other also. It’s a just a cacophony of random words and numbers and more words.
They talk in such a manner that you have no option but to zone out at those times. Just like those horoscopes that come in the newspapers, which when read fully leave more questions than answers, an MBA bloke will make you feel more dumber than a Manchester City fan expecting his team to win the Champions League.
After the meeting, all you’re thinking is, AREY BHAI KEHENA KYA CHAHTE HO?
“Mori, you need to create a PPT that would give a vertical structure to the system coordinated that have been embedded in the CSR gamut and then you need to climb Mount Everest as well talk about the GRPs that have been taken away from the blah blah blah blah blah..”
And, I’m in there looking at everyone busy jotting down things in their little precious diary. A diary that contains all the answers to those secrets that would end global warming and stop those villains from opening the chamber of secrets and unveil terror.
At that time I feel that the norm dictates that I also at least write down something in my diary so that the boss thinks that I’m also putting in my heart and soul into this meeting, trying to learn the integrals of marketing, and not recounting the events of The Godfather.
And then I realise that I don’t have a diary with me. Because no one told me to get one. They wrote all sorts of things in the meeting email regarding what would the venue be and what needs to be served in terms of tea, but not one of them had the courtesy of writing, “Hey newbie, get a freaking diary.”
So next time, I was better prepared. As soon as I knew that the day would see another meeting, I did something so unprecedented that tales would be written in my honour in the future. Future MBAs would tell each other that there was this bloke who broke the chains and did something so innovating that careers were ended and presidents resigned.
I downloaded a voice recorder application on my phone!
As soon as I entered the conference room for the dreaded meeting, I turned it on and felt the proudest person in the universe. Everything would be recorded and I don’t need to worry about missing anything and writing everything and breaking wrists.
The boss would be proud of me as well. I would be the only one who despite not writing anything down, on top of not bringing a freaking diary in the first place, would submit the presentation after transcribing the audio later on. I would get the tag of being a sound listener who doesn’t need pens and diaries to keep things in mind. I would be a stalwart who could understand things and then later on come up with the best possible results in the history of marketing. The stage was set for me (the king) to ascend to my throne.
Only this time, the meeting went on for TWO AND A HALF HOURS!
Not only did the voice recorder stop recording after 20 mins or so (and there I was thinking that I could be prepared for a 30-minute meeting), because I was so confident that everything is recording, I stated day dreaming as early as the third minute of the meeting.
“Hi guys, good morning. How’s everyone today?”
And that’s the last thing I remember before drifting into deep sleep that would make the world stop thinking about the 70-year coma that Captain America was in.
Now they don’t call me to meetings anymore. I’ve been given a desk at the extreme end of the floor with a big fake tree in front of my desk. Not only does that make me not visible to anyone anymore, but it also makes me invisible to anyone who could have talked to me before I was who I am.
Well, easy come easy go, right? (*Shuts laptop down)